Well, this is not what I had intended to write about today. However, I can't get my mind on anything else but the grief I am feeling. I see her things everywhere I look. I have washed her kibble dish and placed it in a dresser drawer where it can hold my jewelry. I cleaned her water container and it is ready to store in the garage. Just in case. But I can't even think of another pet right now.
I told my daughter that even opening the blinds on the French doors in the Family Room brought tears. For years and years (and years), I not only opened them but lifted the blinds about a foot on each door so Victoria could see the birds and the squirrels on the deck. I had the same reaction in the Study as I realized I would no longer see our kitty girl on tippy toes looking out the window.
Everything is seen through a fog, even the Christmas tree appears to have lost some of its' twinkle and the decorations appear to have gathered a layer of dust. Life has become... dim. Sad. Tearful. Empty.
I have felt the grief of losing a loved one many times before but this is the first time it happened during the Holidays. I told my husband about the many well wishes on the blog and how she would have wondered why I would be surprised for I may be the writer but she was definitely the star. :)
This had already been a different sort of Christmas. I mentioned that I had sent two (eventually three) boxes of much loved Christmas decorations to charity. It was just... time. I've spent the last two years simplifying other areas and it was time to make Christmas decorating simple, too.
I think the epiphany came when it was a few days after Thanksgiving and I still had not pulled out the many boxes of decorations. Instead of a joy, decorating had become another chore. Only eliminating a lot would make it easy and now that I have kept what I absolutely love, decorating is again a joy. There remains plenty to make the house festive and pretty and Christmasy.
I know that intense grief passes and not too far in the distant future, I can look at her photos and smile. I can remember all the happy times together for that cat was.. Some Cat. But not now. Not yet. I yelled at God today while doing the dishes (my husband wasn't home so I could get away with it). Why so suddenly? Why now?
But I know I'm not alone and many, many people this Christmas are feeling great loss. Too many tragic news events prove that is true. Then there are the thousands of stories which never make the evening news. Sad things happen all year long but it does seem at Christmas that grief is magnified.
Thank you for reading my words of sadness and woe. Acceptance will return soon. Then some Christmas joy. There is so much for which to be thankful.