When life is pressing in... day four

 I have my cell phone immediately at my side today for two reasons... Christopher is traveling a couple of hours to visit a friend at the Christian college he attends... while huge storms cover the area (not so good stress).  A little girl is almost ready to make her way into the world as the entire family waits... and waits... including the said baby's mother who is ready to lighten the load (good stress). 

Isn't it interesting how... in a week I decide to answer questions about how I handle stress... I have had far more than usual?  As was said in one of the comments, it seems to work that way. 

In the same week I have had a son in the emergency room, attended a funeral, spent hours with out-of-town family members (good but fatiguing), tried to re-do a budget hurt from the overdrafts, and taken care of a cat who is throwing up and having other "accidents" (twice on our bed).  This morning we had to take her to the kitty hospital and have her admitted (no prognosis, yet).

I feel the familiar tension in my chest and the back of my neck.  If the stress maker is sudden and particularly frightening, nausea can be a reaction and even a sense of feeling faint.  I'm certain there is a medical reason behind all of this...

Some events of the week were wonderful, like spending time with my two nieces from Texas whom I haven't seen in years and Christopher meeting (for the first time) his oldest cousin who was at the memorial.  A picture was taken of the youngest grandchild standing by the oldest grandchild (my oldest brother's daughter, about six years older than me) and the remarks about how you can tell they are family... as a multitude of point and shoot cameras were clicking away.  Stories told to him about her days singing with Ricky Nelson and other former stars.

Many pictures for the nieces to take back home to Texas for the two siblings who could not make the trip, e-mail addresses exchanged, and the promise to send out "Friend Requests" among the younger cousins.  Renewed relationships brought about by the death of another loved one.

The good with the not-so-good memories of family life long past and the tragedies and traumas which came with it.  Fatigue became overwhelming as time away from home meant the inability to take care of everything at home "a little bit at a time".  My laundry once again reproduced on its' own in the garage... as did the dishes in the sink.

How timely that I was going to share more today about the most important lessons learned to keep stress from finding a home in my heart...

The first... learn to forgive.  One rarely is able to forget but one can make a decision to forgive.  I most often do this by praying for the one who has hurt me with words or actions.  If I find myself speaking of them in a not so kind way, I know I need to pray for them again.  Some people (like my husband's sister) are very well prayed for.  Forgiving does not mean what a person did was right... it sets you free.

The second... let it go.   I know this can't ever happen in your home but in mine two people will disagree from time to time.  When it is the two guys, I often tell them to "let it go"... most often what they are having conflict over is not important and even silly.  Although I never argue about anything unimportant and silly (smile), I tell myself the same thing... take a breath and let it go.

I also find myself reliving past conversations or events, some happening a decade or more ago.  Once again, I remind myself to let it go... forget it... release it from my mind... not to ponder it at all.  What is past cannot be changed and reliving it only causes unnecessary stress.

The third... lasso in your thoughts as if you were in a rodeo.  Imagine the rope pulling in all those wild thoughts and bring them back under control.  The battle against stressful fear is in your mind and if you are like me... your imagination can run wild during times of stress.

I remember when we lived in Iowa (before the days of cell phones), my husband did not arrive home from a business trip when he should have.  I later told him I had him dead, buried, and his insurance money spent by the time he walked in the door.  :)  Thoughts running wild can never result in faith and peace and we are only given grace for the day... on that day.

The fourth... do the opposite of what the enemy of our souls want us to do.  For instance, if my husband is having a very bad day and harsh words are spoken... I take him a cup of coffee or tea.  Of course, there is that brief moment I imagine pouring it on his head but I choose life and peace... and place it carefully on his desk. :)

This week, as finances are a burden, I shared extra food (which had been given to me) with my sister and took her the gorgeous English china plates I had purchased for her a couple of months ago at Goodwill for 99 cents each (and forgot all about them until I found them put back this week!).

It would be easy to hoard when in want, that is what the enemy of our souls wants us to do.  No... that is just the time we must be sharing with others.  It is remarkable what happens when we choose not to walk in fear but in faith... and give.  It was so nice yesterday to see Bonnie serve the ham I had brought her, salads her daughter had made, and all on those pretty dishes.

We must remember when stressful days come that feeling tension and exhaustion does not indicate a lack of faith.  No, feelings of faith returns as we spend time reading God's Word and talking to Him and listening to good music and perhaps talking to a friend.  We lack faith when we let the feelings remain and turn into bitterness and fear.  Faith and fear cannot live in the same room.

So, what am I doing this evening?  I have dinner in the Crock Pot and while my husband drives to the veterinarian's office to see if we can bring our girl home, I am making a cake.  A load of laundry is in the wash, to be dried in the morning.  A pillow will be brought to the sofa and a biography finished.  Christopher has called and arrived at his destination safely.  My first evening in awhile to stay inside and rest and follow my own advice.

Picture:  Sent by e-mail years ago from a 
dear friend who knew it would make me smile

When life is pressing in... day three

I was skimming through one of my scrapbook journals last night, finding joy and peace just looking at the pictures and reading prose.  Taped in the inside of the front cover is an article which touched me long ago, one that got to me where I live... about where I live.  The title is, "My Mother Knew the Secret of..." and the article was about the beauty and peace the author felt in her late mother's home and how she made the decision to make her home a place of peace.

She started thinking of her mother's home and writing down what she found peaceful about it and then incorporated many of these ideas into her own environment (in her own style, of course).  In some ways, that is what is shown in my scrapbook journal as I have dozens and dozens of pictures of homes and gardens which make my heart sing.  I draw on their inspiration for ideas quite often.

Because I had a challenging home life in my late childhood and adolescent years, it has been very important for me to make a cozy nest.  It has always been a joy for me to make a home pretty and peaceful... even when peace was hard to come by. I won't pretend that creating a pretty and peaceful place will take away all the stress that comes when we travel down the hard roads of life.... but it helps a great deal.

We all need a sense of Place, a sanctuary where we can be ourselves and find comfort from the outside world.  Whether a house or one half of a dorm room, a garden or a friendly kitchen... there has to be somewhere in our existence with familiar "stuff"... items which make us smile or remember fondly or cause us to sing for joy just by their beauty.  We were born for Eden and whether we realize it or not, our surroundings affect us deeply.

The first action this author took was to get rid of all clutter by finding ways to organize her papers, magazines, etc.  This was easy when I had a large house with lots of room but much more challenging in a small place.  I can only do this "a little at a time", by being careful what I bring into the house, and scanning the rooms once in awhile to see what can be given away for someone else to love. 

Some "clutter" is pretty much always there but is friendly clutter... like the stack of books on the floor between the bookcase and wing back chair.

The author of the article realized one part of her mother's home which she loved was an abundance of houseplants and flowers.  There is something in certain shades of color which causes the human body to immediately relax, like the greens and blues we find outside in summer.  Just the sight of greenery can have a relaxing affect but live plants are actually good for us by cleaning the air (although I combine them with a spicy vanilla candle).  :)

As I looked through file after file of magazine cutouts, I came to see a pattern of those things which bring me peace and joy... lots of plants, all flowers but especially red geraniums and daisies and sunflowers and roses and violets and Lily of the Valley, beautiful china of all kinds... teacups and teapots and plates and serving pieces, walls lined with books, and artwork.  Not to mention a cat or two here and there.

I love primitive American and English Country... which actually work out quite well together.  Bonnie shares my passion for primitive American furniture and decorating but she mixes them with Victorian items.  A rather unusual marriage of styles but one walks into her small apartment and instantly feels at peace. Her tiny home is proof one must not have a lot of money or space to create a sanctuary.

This past winter when I was sick a lot, my favorite place was the living room sofa for it is truly that room where English Country library meets Americana and their union provides an environment of peace and quiet.  It was a good place for propping pillows behind my head, getting all warm and cozy with a soft throw pulled up to my chin, and keeping my books and a cup of tea on the coffee table.  A place of comfort and healing.

If I am sad but not too fatigued, my small kitchen in all of its' butter yellow glory (with red accessories) can transform a mood to joy in no time. Generations of mothers and grandmothers have found a retreat in their kitchen... and not just women.  I have a nephew who has a busy career but comes home each evening to do most of the family's cooking, he finds getting in the kitchen a way to relax after a stressful day.

As I said before, our surroundings cannot change our circumstances.  They cannot cure cancer, pay the bills that are late, restore a relationship, or bring a loved one back.  However, if we have created a place in which we can walk through the door and immediately feel the sense of Home and Comfort... such a place can restore us.

Should home be a source of conflict and a place we need to escape at times, then we need to find our outside Edens where we can run to for a short time of relief... the quaint coffee shop, the public gardens, an art museum, an hour at a bookstore or thrift shop, hiking the trails or skiing the mountain in winter or fishing the river which runs through town, a flower filled neighborhood in which to walk... somewhere we can talk to The One Who Made Us and absorb that peace that passes understanding.

I truly believe there will come in another Time and in another Place, a home created just for us which will reflect our greatest joys and godly desires.  In the meantime, we can all do something to make our own small sanctuary on this fallen planet.

Picture: Shady Patio; allposters.com

When life is pressing in... day two

It is somewhat on the order of Bleak House here at the edge of the forest... cool, dark, rainy, and gloomy.  Not really a bad thing after Monday's excitement.  It is what Stephanie and I used to call "a Casablanca kind of day", as we watched my favorite movie only when there was a steady rain (or perhaps a blowing snow) outside.  Bogart must be enjoyed in black and white film and in a gloomy environment.  :)

Such days remind me of home and family and another way I overcome stress.  It took just a little creativity to come up with Casablanca days when Stephanie was growing up.  One could either complain about the gloomy or snowy weather or learn to make it work for you.  As an adult, I think Stephanie would call them Jane Austen days.  I know when she is having a bad day, the new Emma DVD will be brought out... or one of the other British flicks.

My son has his own ways of getting away from it all through media, which usually has something to do with watching movies where lots of things get blown up or tuning in to a Law and Order marathon... or one of their multiple spin offs.  As a college student, he no longer sees reading as a stress reliever.  :)

It helps to have an understanding that challenging days are part of life and to have in place ways to overcome them.  In our home that would be stacks of books waiting to be read, cookbooks with pictures to peruse, ingredients in the pantry for spending time in the kitchen, music on the itty bitty iPod, or reading decorating and garden blogs.

Because I live with stressful situations, I have learned to always keep stress relievers in the back of my mind.  They become a budget priority, as with DVDs of good movies (or old TV shows), certain authors at library sales, or even a scented candle to light in the evening when I'm reading.

In the past (when I did more sewing), I have lost myself in an embroidery project, or a quilt, or cutting out and assembling teddy bears.  I would put together ahead of time all I needed to work on a project so when the time came I had time to work on it, everything was available.  There is nothing like a good project to forget what is causing stress (as long as the project, itself, does not add to the stress).

In much the same way, I kept projects or books or puzzles or Lego kits or some other item put back for kids... when I had little ones at home that needed something to do so I could take a mental vacation.  Sometimes it is not Mom who needs the project for stress relief... when kids are at home it is their getting carried away with a creative endeavor that gives a chance for Mom to sit and think.  :)

Recently I moved items on the deck around so I can see pretty flowers out the French doors from the inside.  Buying flowers for the deck meant not spending money on something else but they are worth the small amount of money spent.  For three seasons, I can not only enjoy the natural green of the tall trees and bushes but the colorful flowers and whimsical design.  Just a little money and a lot of creativity paying off in huge rewards.

Seasons of life can change what we find stress relieving... for instance, I have to go through family pictures to locate a few for those family members here for the memorial.  There have been seasons of life when looking through pictures brought great peace and I have enjoyed scrapbooking.  However, having lost many loved ones in the not too distant past... now it can make me sad.  Same process... different outcome.

I guess that is what I'm trying to say here (I think I need another cup of coffee to break through fuzzy thinking).  Having stress relievers in place, making them an everyday part of life, it takes thinking ahead of time and being prepared.  What works for me may not be what will de-stress you. 

Knowing that there are ways to relieve stress and find peace and making it a priority of time and budgeting is essential to my life.  Which is why I have taken my last $5.00 to choose one special stress reliever... planting an herb and flower, having coffee with my husband or meeting Christopher on campus at McDonald's, buying chocolate chips and butter for special cookies, perusing the thrift shop or the used book room at the library, or even choosing an inexpensive but pretty floral pair of garden gloves which will make me smile all summer... little things with big rewards of joy and peace and giving one the ability to forget for awhile that which burdens them.

Some things cost me nothing... like chatting with Stephanie on the phone.  Some stress relievers have excellent rewards... as in weeding the garden.  But always know (and it took me years to figure this out) that one needs to have ways in place to keep the pressure cooker of life from exploding.  :)

Picture: Water Baby and Moon Print; allposters.com

When life is pressing in... day one

I had a number of comments and e-mails asking how I've learned to deal with stress.  Other than eating chocolate?  I know I must find ways to relieve stress, especially during times the sources of stress are always present.  Well... that got me to thinking and here is a little of what I pondered... I'll share over the next two or three days.

The source of stress never leaves but my days go from hardly noticing anything to really, really bad.  Thankfully the bad days are rare.  Most of life is lived in between.  God gives the grace but on those days when there is a perfect storm of circumstances... perhaps my husband is having a very bad day at the same time the income is not stretching at the same time the fatigue is overwhelming... those days need extra grace.

Before I share what I do, I must tell you the real secret is to rope in the wild herd of my thoughts.  The battle can truly be in the mind.  It has taken me a long time to realize my life can be good even if circumstances are less than perfect and my prayers seem not to be answered (at least in the way I desired).

I guess I am a slow learner for it took quite awhile (years and years) to realize life does not begin when the less than perfect circumstances all leave... real life is walking in the circumstances in a way God can use me and knowing His purpose is being fulfilled in His way.  I do not have to understand to enjoy the journey.

Part of stress relief lately has been to get away from that which brings stress and is not essential to my life.  I used to be a 24/7 news channel fan but these days I choose carefully what I watch.  I have learned if there is anything I need to know, it will come through my Inbox as a Fox News Alert or will be the headlines on my local news in the evening.  If the national and international news is important or very interesting, then I'll tune in to learn more about it.

For years and years I have removed myself from home and driven to a favorite coffee shop when possible.  Just "getting out" for awhile always helps to calm down and clear my head.  If the weather is bad or my billfold empty, I may have to just close the door to my bedroom and prop up pillows behind my neck and "get away" with beautiful magazines or favorite decorating books.

Some of my stress relievers have changed through the years.  For instance, when we were a young two-career couple with one child (living in Michigan), our favorite stress reliever was driving to the quaint lake town near us on our days off of work.  Some of my fondest memories are sunny Saturdays spent walking the dock with my husband and young daughter... and the people watching one does in such a place, lunch at a favorite restaurant, and perusing the charming shops (especially my favorite gourmet cooking store).

Many years later, when we lived a little farther north in West Michigan, circumstances were very different... we were homeschooling and my husband was out of work for over a year (Stephanie was already married).  Yet... when the weather was warm, Christopher and I spent many days taking a small picnic to the shores of Lake Michigan and getting in lots of "Science" as we walked trails and visited the Nature Center at the state park... not to mention hours spent sitting on an old quilt with toes in the sand and watching large cargo ships out in the distance making their way to ports in Northern Indiana and Chicago... bliss.  We would return home refreshed.

I've written before about that same year when I would take my Bible to the pond in front of the house where we were living.  I spent hours each week reading and thinking and praying and remembering to breath in and breath out.  It was the season my life changed for good but it was also the year I learned to live in peace.

Just as I often told my kids... for every natural and spiritual gift we have, there is a corresponding weakness... I'd have to say for every stress reliever there is also a side we have to be careful not to cross over.  Lessons learned from my own experiences and shared with whomever cares enough to read.

For instance, I can "get away from it all" watching "home and garden" shows.  Such behavior is actually quite positive as I almost always come away with good home, garden, and cooking ideas.  When I go to the dark side (Luke... I am your mother... but I digress), the TV comes on and I plop on the sofa and watch mindless shows one after another.  There is nothing positive about that.

These days, when I receive a financial gift, it is very relaxing to go out "thrifting" or perusing the garden aisles at my favorite nursery with just a little cash in my pocket, searching for treasure. However, we all know shopping in itself can be a devastating bad habit to develop (especially at the mall and using credit).  Much like an immoral relationship, there is seldom a happy ending to developing a shopping addiction.

Similarly, when I tie an apron around my waist and lose myself in a recipe... I often forget my troubles. If I find myself standing in front of the refrigerator late at night eating leftovers and junk food, that is not so positive.  (Heather's comment last week reminds me that stress relief can be vanilla scented.)  :)

Of course, there have long been books.  I did not come from a bookish family but almost as soon as I learned to read, I found a retreat in good books... whether my favorite Nancy Drew mysteries, or vintage children's literature (actually discovered after having children of my own), or coming to understand why a book has been a classic for hundreds of years.

Both excellent fiction and nonfiction books can be just what I need during a difficult day.  I often find it amazing how I can peruse my bookshelves and find a book I either purchased or had been given years earlier which is just what I need to read on that particular day.

There is always music and art and bubble baths and long walks and furry animals and chubby babies and duck filled ponds and watching clouds and working in the garden and listening to the radio with the windows down on country roads.

There is the enjoyment of watching farmers at work as I drive into town and Saturday mornings at the farmer's market, standing in awe of God's provision of color and texture in the food which has been grown and how a tiny seed can produce something so wonderful. 

While I enjoy the farmer's market during any season, there is a special relaxing magic (Narnia magic) on a crisp, autumn morning when the autumnal veggies are on display, the aroma of fresh apple bread is drawing one to the baker's tables, and dulcimer music is playing in the background... sigh.  How can troubles make a nest in my thinking in such surroundings?

I have friends who lose themselves in sewing and quilting and knitting and crocheting and beautiful cross stitch and embroidery and all forms of creating... much in the same way I find time has passed when baking bread or making a stew.

For those days when the stress level has gone beyond the danger limit, I plunge into the Psalms and quite often find a retreat only in following this with a nap.  The Word and sleep... a healing combination.

More to follow...