And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good
of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.
Romans 8:28 NLT
This past week was at times impossible to get through without falling apart. Well, I did fall apart one day. That was when I found out how much my insulin was going to cost on the new health care plan I was forced to buy (long story...), hundreds of dollars more than I could afford.
I had already told my doctor ahead of time the new insurance made it impossible for me to stay on Levimer but we thought we had it worked out by switching to an older (as far as being around a long time) and cheaper set of insulins. Gosh were we surprised!
Now some people would become annoyed and perhaps frightened when they think they will have to go without medications but for me it brought about sheer terror.
For nine years ago I was rushed to the emergency room and spent two days in Intensive Care because I missed one insulin shot. Just o.n.e. shot. And now I was being told I could not afford it at all. And I could not get on any free medication plan because I have insurance. Bad insurance but still...
I'm happy and relieved to say I am not going to drop dead this week thanks to my very special daughter and her husband and my equally special health care professionals but the situation is far from being completely resolved.
Once I got over the shock and was able to absorb all of this, God could finally get through and remind me He is my provider and not the government. He is taking care of me. And then He reminded me of the most remarkable life events... so many of life's blessings I enjoy now were birthed from crisis situations.
For instance, I thought it pretty much the end of the world when my husband had to go on Social Security Disability. But in the process, we found out it also qualified us to purchase a house through a special U. S. Dept. of Agriculture plan (go figure...). Which is how we ended up in the house I love so much here at the edge of the forest.
He reminded me of the many instances when the story had a good ending. Not to mention I can write here each week and truthfully tell people I have been through the proverbial wringer and God has never failed me.
Now, there were times when walking through the storm I felt as if He did. I would stomp my feet and pout and tell Him He is a really mean Father! Not unlike my own children when they were little and I told them they could not go where they wanted to go, do what they wanted to do, eat what they wanted to eat, etc.
I'm not alone in this feeling. Mother Theresa has been quoted as saying, "If this is the way God treats His friends, I would hate to see His enemies". And I smile because I truly can comprehend that feeling.
Thankfully, I have a Heavenly Father who is quite patient with His children and who knew how it would all turn out. So he smiled and told me to hang on and that while He would not take me out of the storm, He would bring me through it. And it would all be worth it in the end.
Do all things really work out for our good and His glory? Oh, yes. But we may not see that part of it on this side of the tapestry. As Corrie Ten Boom reminded us often... we see the back of the tapestry with all the tangled threads that make no sense whatsoever. He sees the completed work of Art.
While life at times can be frightening and even painful... when it is easy to pout and demand to know "Why me when this person and that person just glide through life so easily"... there are also moments of serendipitous joy that one who has never walked through darkness has experienced.
- When I walk down the gravel lane towards the rural mailbox with a heavy burden and a friend has sent a check that covers my immediate needs because they were "thinking of me".
- When a book arrives with tea bags, inviting me to get away from it all for awhile.
- When a card arrives with a note and a gift card telling me to... enjoy.
- When a book I've wanted for so long is a dollar at the library sale.
- When Masterpiece on PBS provides a lovely diversion.
- When the thrift store has an English teacup and saucer or an addition to my brown transferware collection for 99 cents.
- When my garden starts growing or my cat snuggles on my lap to watch TV with me.
- When my husband fixes the broken fence and the landscape suddenly looks 100% better.
- When my son calls asking to take me to lunch or my daughter chats while waiting to pick up a child from dance lessons.
Remember, quite often the path He is leading makes no sense to us whatsoever. When we had to sell the home I thought we would live in the rest of our lives and journeyed through a prolonged wilderness, I thought He had forsaken us. He had not. He was just shaking up the plans we had made for His own.
As I walk through these weeks of uncertainty, I know He is there even when not apparent. I work in my garden and tweak the interior design of the house and listen to music and read good books and do the next thing set before me (as suggested by Elisabeth Elliot long ago).
He knows that we are "but dust" and He understands how we are made. It is when walking through the fog of uncertainty that we run to Him in such a way that we never do when all is well. He tells us to be thankful for trials in the Book of James because He knows it is in using our faith and trust muscles that they grow.
Last week I felt that spirit of fear overwhelm at times but then when I was silent and talked to Him and listened to His reminders of past situations equally as unnerving... that spiritual force of fear left for it had no room when faith entered. I've been down this path before. I can relax. And breath. And even smile. And trust that all will work out for our good and His glory.