Sunday, June 13, 2010
Sunday Afternoon Tea
It is good to be back on a Sunday. My heart was here but the rest of me could not make it for the past two weeks. :)
It has been one of those Dark Night of the Soul journeys which had an innocuous beginning (bad cough and swelling of the ears), a trip to the emergency room unable to breath, reactions to various medications, and night upon night of not being able to sleep.
As I propped myself up on the sofa during the night, trying to be still and not wake up the guys (and somewhat jealous of their ability to sleep soundly), I had plenty of time to think and ponder and pray. My emotions ran from fear to frustration and finally... hope.
Holding on to that knowledge that it is not as bad as it was and not as good as it will be. Realizing we have no idea at times what to be thankful for... the ability to sleep, taking a deep breath, cooking dinner, reading, hearing, talking...all simple things I was struggling with at the time (and to a lesser extent... continue with today).
As I have said from long ago, I don't want to waste any trial. I truly believe if God is allowing us to walk a painful (at the time) journey, there are hidden jewels of wisdom and knowledge to be found. Feeling at my worst this time, I had no interest in learning anything. I stomped my feet (at least mentally) and asked Him just what He is trying to do... kill me? While there was no immediate lightening and thunder, we did have tornadoes touch down nearby... perhaps one should refrain from shouting at God??? :)
As the worst was behind me and the bronchitis was clearing in my chest, I only had to deal with the inability to sleep, swollen glands and ears, and challenges in hearing as well as talking... I have begun to deal with the frustrations and grasp at least a nibble of faith.
Just last night, I was able to remind myself this will not last forever. Although I was waking up almost as soon as I fell asleep... as the congestion continued to make breathing difficult at times... there came a peace when I knew it will not go on forever. I can handle life one day (night?) at a time.
It is that same realization that has kept me holding on to faith in times of unemployment, great financial need, less than ideal circumstances, and dealing with a hyperactive little boy... this to shall pass. Struggles may abound on our journey of life but somehow in our humanity, we gain strength as we know this particular trial or temptation will not go on forever... and our faith muscles are strengthened each time we face adversity and come through it without giving up.
Slowly I am already doing a little more cooking again. I've been able to declutter a little as well as run the washer and dryer. I'm not up to reading novels but I have been pulling favorite decorating books off the shelves to peruse and enjoy. The front porch received a half-hearted sweeping and spider web removal... not perfect but good enough.
I know there will come a day (soon) when I will feel well enough to try some new recipes with herbs from the garden, sip a cup of coffee on the deck before the heat of the day (and bugs) take over, read (my eyes hurt), write, talk (assuming my voice returns completely), and attempt various creative projects in the home.
What will I take away from this past month? Never take for granted the ability to do that which is the everyday stuff of life. In comparison, so much of what I complain about in the daily journey (fatigue, strained budget, difficult people, dirty dishes which reproduce on their own) are in fact absolutely nothing to complain about when compared to these past weeks. May I not forget the lessons learned...
In the meantime, I continue to covet your prayers so I can hear and talk and once again sleep in my own bed... breathing easily would be nice, too. (Doctor follow-up visit is Thursday.)